Broken Ladders

I don't think I've ever experienced a more powerful concept than Truth.
Love. Pain. Good. Evil. Loss. Regret. Joy. Helplessness. Nothing comes anywhere close. Not when you need it.

It's like a 30 foot wave crashing into you in the middle of the street. It can be sudden and terrifying and leave you unable to breathe. But it also can wash away so many negative things. Like a baptism: it can give you new life. 

I always loved that when it came to relationships, I was free. I was a skydiver at the edge of the plane doors. A base jumper on a ledge. Closing my eyes, leaping, flying. I relished in the weightlessness of that dive. I always thought I was free because despite fears and past pain, I would take the jump unencumbered.

Only now do I realize I didn't. That I held back. That I was afraid.

I was afraid.

Of being lied to. Of being hurt. That I couldn't trust the person I was with. And I wasn't just afraid. I was terrified. I was a four year old child curled up in the fetal position under their parents covers. I was hiding.

I was hiding because I believed in a world that wasn't what it appeared to be. That it can look and feel nice, but under the surface it was a lie. It was a beautiful house built on a sink hole, and I knew if given enough time it would always collapse. I was hiding because I had had the floor ripped out from under me. And I never recovered from it.

And then I realized I was approaching it backwards. I was apprehensive. I was forcing people to have to earn my trust, because until then they were untrustworthy. Only recently did I see how much I was missing. How self-destructive this fear was. How unhappy I was.

Then I decided not to be afraid anymore. I didn't do it myself. Few great things are ever done alone. Sometimes we need a friend and sometimes we need a mirror. Either way, with some help I suddenly and immediately was washed of years of mistakes and pain and poor choices. All it took was a second of Truth for me to realize everything I ever wanted.

And suddenly I was happy.

Love

A smile. A touch. Eyes full of laughter.

A warm blanket on my shoulders.

A comforting embrace that never disappears.

Growing. Challenging. Living.

The gentle stroke of a finger on your cheek.

A dreamlike state of wonder.

Open and free. A bird in flight. Sky full of blue.

A smile on your lips.

The perfection of a moment.

"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment."
- Henry David Thoreau

"Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something on his soul."
- Thomas Merton

"It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Square pegs and round holes

"Allow the world to live as it chooses, and allow yourself to live as you choose"

- Richard Bach




I've never been a patient person.

I took up lacrosse in 11th grade, because we had to play a sport. I lasted a week before the "concussion" I suffered 1 month prior, prevented me from continuing. I couldn't stand the fact that I couldn't pick it up quickly. That I was on the JV team. And that I was shitty, even for them.

I've never been a patient person.

I broke up with my first 3 girlfriends on a spur of the moment. I woke up one morning and no longer had feelings for them. Just like that. I ended it. I didn't realize why, until years later. Turns out all I was interested in was "Ever After". When I realized, even subconsciously, that they could not be a part of that, I was done.

Cold? Sure. But what did I know?

Then I found it. The "Happily" not the "Ever After". Turns out, for me at least, the "Ever After" wouldn't come so easy. "Happily" was a piece of cake. Found it at 17. Practically fell into it. "Ever After"? Not so much.

What does this have to do with patience?


It's always an interesting question. At the end of the fairy tale what happens in "Ever After"? Or, God forbid, what happens if "Ever After", doesn't turn out to be for"ever"?

For starters, it's a long road. Filled with small lessons. Baby steps. Pit stops that get you closer, even if it's just a couple feet at a time. It's lot longer than you want it to be.

Then somewhere along the way you realize that what you want and what you are looking for are two different things. That you will grasp onto anything that looks familiar, in the hope that it will float. But all you're doing is wasting energy swimming.

There are a lot of things that will float until you grab hold of them.


I've never been a patient person.


I want what I want. And I want to be who I want to be. It's not that I'm not willing to work for it. It's just that, sometimes it's hard to stare down a hill with the mountain looming behind.

Sometimes we're more comfortable with the familiar, because it's just that: what we're used to. But you're not going to get very far if you never leave home.


My problem is distinguishing between what I know and what I want. What I want is to feel safe. And too often I find myself grasping at things that won't float because that's all I know.

Duty vs Consequence

"If I act as I ought to do, what may I then hope?"

-Immanuel Kant




We've always been a society obsessed with results. We judge ourselves by test scores and pay checks. By miles ran and total pounds lost. By final scores and stat lines.

Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing. 

Does this belief make us stronger? More likely to find success? Or do we lose something through this Utilitarian lens?

And I don't just mean in sports. Or business. What about family? Relationships? Wouldn't this obsession with results negate so much joy in love and life? A beautiful friendship ends, does it have to be considered a failure? If so, does that make it time wasted? Even worse, do we miss the joy in a touch or a moment because we are unable to even judge it until it's over?

Wouldn't that mean every relationship either ends in failure or death?



Sadly, I find myself in this mindset too often. I want so much, that I forget to enjoy what I have.

I miss so much beauty and wonder waiting for everything to flower. All the while this incredible being stands alive and vivid. Breathing, just for the chance at a blossom.


I am what is.

I remind myself.



And then I tell myself again, in this moment

I am what is...