Broken Ladders

I don't think I've ever experienced a more powerful concept than Truth.
Love. Pain. Good. Evil. Loss. Regret. Joy. Helplessness. Nothing comes anywhere close. Not when you need it.

It's like a 30 foot wave crashing into you in the middle of the street. It can be sudden and terrifying and leave you unable to breathe. But it also can wash away so many negative things. Like a baptism: it can give you new life. 

I always loved that when it came to relationships, I was free. I was a skydiver at the edge of the plane doors. A base jumper on a ledge. Closing my eyes, leaping, flying. I relished in the weightlessness of that dive. I always thought I was free because despite fears and past pain, I would take the jump unencumbered.

Only now do I realize I didn't. That I held back. That I was afraid.

I was afraid.

Of being lied to. Of being hurt. That I couldn't trust the person I was with. And I wasn't just afraid. I was terrified. I was a four year old child curled up in the fetal position under their parents covers. I was hiding.

I was hiding because I believed in a world that wasn't what it appeared to be. That it can look and feel nice, but under the surface it was a lie. It was a beautiful house built on a sink hole, and I knew if given enough time it would always collapse. I was hiding because I had had the floor ripped out from under me. And I never recovered from it.

And then I realized I was approaching it backwards. I was apprehensive. I was forcing people to have to earn my trust, because until then they were untrustworthy. Only recently did I see how much I was missing. How self-destructive this fear was. How unhappy I was.

Then I decided not to be afraid anymore. I didn't do it myself. Few great things are ever done alone. Sometimes we need a friend and sometimes we need a mirror. Either way, with some help I suddenly and immediately was washed of years of mistakes and pain and poor choices. All it took was a second of Truth for me to realize everything I ever wanted.

And suddenly I was happy.